i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
