her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
