I am puke
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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