He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
