Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Iām gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a ābrilliantā idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
