I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
