Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
