my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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