so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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