so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
