someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
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I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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