I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
