Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
