my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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