last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
