im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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