I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
