my phone needs a breathalizer
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
ttyl tear gas
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
