Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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