Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
false alarm. still invincible.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
