Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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