I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
