if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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