Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
