My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
