Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
