I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
