Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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