wrigley field is MILF paradise
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
