I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In other news, I just burned my penis
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
