Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
