1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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