As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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