I think i peed on brittanys purse
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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