i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
