I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
