I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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