if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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