Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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