Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
