I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
