Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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