Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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