You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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