so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
