Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
