i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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