just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
