Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
