you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
