I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
