fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
