apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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