My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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