okay pat passed out under dana's car
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
