Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
