Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
