Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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