I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
