You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
