I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
dude. I can hear the air.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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